


No Homo Tho, Right?

by Yra



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BDSM, Consensual Kink, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Debauchery, F/F, F/M, Foursome - F/F/M/M, Foursome - F/M/M/M, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Himbo Land, M/M, Morosexuals assemble because BOY are you gonna get served with those two, Multi, Organization XIII (Kingdom Hearts) Is Not Quite A Thing, Orgy, Some Fluff Hidden In All The Smut, TOTAL Debauchery I Am NOT Kidding Guys, Threesome - F/M/M, Threesome - M/M/M, assholes to lovers, crack ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:07:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yra/pseuds/Yra
Summary: The two of them always took Gay Chicken a bit too far when Axel or Demyx started it.Well. All four of them did, the difference being that Axel and Demyx were very openly attracted to everything and everyone as long as they were humans. But, well. Too far. The kind of too far that ended with your best friend fucking your face and then fingering you until you came, with the possibility of a blonde musician and a red-haired assassin jacking off to it.No homo tho. That's how it works, right? Right.OR observe as the two morons known as Vanitas and Young Xehanort somehow manage to fall in love together while whoring their way through every single world that they visit and ending up in bed with men way too often for the self-proclaimed straight guys that they tell everyone that they are.Featuring Domme Anna, Bros Before Hoes But Especially If Those Bros Are The OG Princesses Of Heart, Debauchery, Aged-Up Characters That Were All At Least Twenty In Sex Scenes, Vanilla? We Don't Know Her, HIGHLY Unrealistic Amount Of Orgasms, It's Not Gay If It's Gaston, Or Zack, Fucking Your Alternate Selves Is Just Masturbation With Extra Steps, Penises With A Chance Of Coochie In Sex Scenes
Relationships: Vanitas/Young Xehanort (Kindom Hearts)/Anything That Has Legs And Looks Good Enough, Vanitas/Young Xehanort (Kingdom Hearts)





	No Homo Tho, Right?

**Author's Note:**

> This, like all good crackfic ideas, came from a meme and a Messenger convo I was having with my boyfriend. For context, we were watching this video about the KH characters in COVID times and it devolved. 
> 
> So anyway, I'm a pansexual cis woman who does not have a penis attached so any inaccuracies with the penis-specific stuff, I hope you can forgive.
> 
> There's a recollection of all of that rambled bullshit in the bottom notes  
> The cannon basically goes bye-bye, my goal is to have fun writing some light-hearted shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas and Young Xehanort aren't really good people. I want to be clear with that. They act like jerks, they ARE jerks. They're fucking assholes, they live for the chaos that they cause, they are possessive of what they see as theirs and do not give a SHIT about the consequences of their actions unless they're gonna hurt their people. Despite that, I want to give them more dimension than just classic villains.  
> In this, they're not really THE bad guys but they are bad guys. They're the main characters, they have relationships and they fuck and they take drugs but they don't appreciate cruelty for the sake of it. They like killing but they won't do it if it'll upset their people so they've started looking for worlds with monsters and they kill those instead. Their capacities for empathy are really low; they do not have this drive to be good for the sake of being good, their morality is entirely based on what their people consider acceptable.  
> If you know anything about Kohlberg's theory on moral development, they're at level 2, slowly moving towards 3 but not always. They only conform to social norms/moral things if it will bring them rewards or if they know that they won't be able to avoid the consequences. Because of the Princesses of heart, they're hovering around level 3. They're slowly reaching a point where they want to be good and be praised for it.  
> (Fun fact? Anna is entirely at fault here. She likes her boys to be good and she likes to remind them just how good they are... well, sex is a strong motivator, ain't it?)  
> 

I REFUSE TO CALL YOUNG XEHANORT AND TERRA XEHANORT AND REPLICA RIKU YOUNG XEHANORT, TERRA XEHANORT AND REPLICA RIKU SO THEY’RE GETTING NAMES. 

YouNG XEHAnort- Xehang 

TErra xehaNORt- Tenor 

RepLiKA riKU- Lukka 

oh, and more importantly: EVERYONE IS EIGHTEEN OR OLDER AT EVERY SINGLE POINT OF THIS. NO UNDERAGE SEX IN THIS CHRISTIAN FANFIC, JUST GOOD OL' DEGENERACY BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS.

Axel's and Saïx apartment was a nice place. Two bedrooms with gigantic beds, the kind you'd expect in a whorehouse party room or something, a bathroom with a bath and shower that were both big enough to be used by up to three people comfortably, four by pushing it a bit (they had tested), a living room with two run-down, have-seen-better-days-but-fucking-comfortable three places couches with a whole bunch of throwaway pillows on the ground and a couple of beanbags. The light was nice, a soothing (Soothing? This isn't soothing, this light is terrifying! Aqua would say, but well, fuck her, she wasn't there now, was she?) blue-ish purple. It being located in The World That Never Was meant that it was gigantic and that no one gave a single fuck if they smoked and took drugs in it. TWTNW was pretty much the chillest world when it came to that kinda shit. Hell, the red and blue duo had signed a waiver with the landlord to not hold him accountable if someone burned down the building. 

It was not a surprise that Vanita's and Xehang's people hung out there when they were having a party. 

Now, an important thing to understand about them was that they didn't really do friends. They had a single friend, each other, a bunch of bros (aka the original princesses of heart, for reasons that they themselves could still not understand) and the rest of the people that they spent time around was theirs. They didn't see them as things, but they were theirs.

Makes sense?

Probably not, but it meant that those who were theirs were never the victims of their antics and, instead, got them as protection when it was needed. Sora being brought back from his banishment in Quadra-whatever-even-the-name-of-the-place-was-Earth was, quite frankly, example enough of that. They'd gone to that place and stumbled upon him by semi-accident and, while they really should have just let him stay there because bringing him back meant having fucking Maleficient wreak havoc on the worlds a-fucking-gain, well, he was _theirs_. 

So anyway, to go back to what they were doing, Vanitas and Xehang were busy sharing a blunt. Vanitas was sitting on one of the beanbags, Xehang on a pile of pillows, reclining against them and using the black-haired man's thigh to rest his head. 

A whole bunch of people were there. Axel was sitting on Saïx's lap on one of the couches, his legs resting on Demyx's, and sharing what looked to be absinth with them. Naminé, Xion and Lukka were sitting in a pile next to them, squished together like marshmallows, limbs tangled together. The girls seemed to be sitting on Lukka's legs, now that Xehang was looking closer. At least, that's what he inferred from the shit-eating grin on the Replica's face.

He certainly could respect the sentiment. The girls were gorgeous, and if they hadn't been another version of one of their bros, the duo would have at LEAST tried to fuck 'em, but hey. Bros before hoes, and fucking a bro? Hell no. 

Zexion, Terra, Ventus and Roxas were sharing the other couch, with Ventus straddling his boyfriend's massive thighs and nuzzling his neck like a kitten. Weed really made him into more of a softy than he already was (Vanitas always enjoyed seeing that, gave him a real kick). The two of them were nauseatingly sweet, and also the main reason why Aqua couldn't stand to show up to their hangouts when her two boys were there. Her crush on Terra was still too strong, apparently. Well, she still showed up when he and Vanitas organised their own shit in Wonderland, so that was something at least. They had a bit of a soft spot for her. She was one fierce bitch, and yet so fucking _kind_ to the point that she kept hurting herself and they really couldn't stand that. Their usual way of dealing with something hurting theirs was to Firaza that shit until it couldn't move anymore. Not really an option for Aqua. She'd spent a few nights in their spare room crying herself to sleep after one of their numerous Terra-bashing sessions, and after two memorable times when she'd fucked Tenor (they got it, but girl. Girl.) 

They really needed to get her laid with someone else. Maybe that they could just throw her at the bros and let them take care of her? They were girls, surely they'd be better able to care for a heartbroken girl? 

Xehang was brought back to the present when a glass shattered in the kitchen, pissed off Xigbar noises rising up, Xemnas' smooth voice letting out a colourful string of curses (shivers ran down his spine, that voice did _things_ to him when it swore. The silverette tried very hard to ignore the mocking voice in his head, comparing him to a Pavlovian bitch. He smothered a snort when he felt Vanitas' thigh tense under his head. As much as his friend tried to pretend otherwise, they both were Xemnas' bitch) which were very unusual for the normally calm and collected man.

"Well, gentlemen, I believe that it is time for you to pay up" Luxord said with just the tiniest amount of glee in his voice. 

Ah. That would explain it. 

Even more angry Xigbar sounds followed by a swoosh that really couldn't be anything good. 

Saïx promptly lost his cool and moved Axel from his lap to Demyx' and stood up with glowing eyes. 

" **You're not fucking shooting your gun in my home you old fuck** " he growled out, heading towards the kitchen. 

"Aaaaand he's gone, great" Axel muttered in Demyx's neck, sprawled over the blond as if his boyfriend wasn't three seconds away from wrecking their kitchen. The Berserker probably did this often, to be fair. They had a whole list of repairmen and furniture shop addresses written on post-its on their fridge. 

Something (or someone) crashed against a wall, the sound of dark portals resonated in the now very quiet living room and Xemnas stepped into it as if nothing has happened, a glass of whiskey in his hand and the bottle in the opposite one, his cloak draped over his forearm. He was wearing a white button-up tucked into his leather pants, which really had no business looking so good on him. He plopped down into one of the free ratty beanbags with an elegance that was truly unfair, between theirs and Tenor's. 

Xehang absentmindedly lifted his hand towards Vanitas when he noticed the already burning new joint in the dark-haired man's mouth, grinning in thanks when it was given to him. He put it in his mouth, inhaling the smoke deeply into his lungs. He let it rise out of his mouth slowly, admiring the way it twisted in the air.

He loved the swirls of smoke, the way it rose and slowly dissipated.

He noticed Xemnas' eyes on him and inhaled smoke again, staring at the man straight in the eyes, before exhaling it from his mouth with a smirk. He passed the joint to Xemnas, who took a few drags of it before giving it to Tenor to finish it. 

Xehang closed his eyes and let himself drift off, belly warm with alcohol, head fuzzy from the weed and ears filled with those that were his. 

He woke up much too soon when he heard Sora and Riku talking louder and louder and louder, finally shouting. They should have left Sora on Earth, he was so fucking annoying, but noooooo, Vanitas wanted to bring back his alternate self. Fucking stick in the mud he was sometimes.

And now his nap was being interrupted by Riku of all people. To think that he saved that jerk from Ansem. Fuck his life. 

“Waiiiiii-wait wait wait hold up. Sora. What do you mean ‘masturbating with extra steps?” 

“Well, I mean, Roxas is MY Nobody and he lived inside me for a while so like. He’s me with extra steps so like. Having sex with him is really just having sex with myself, which is masturbating, but with extra steps.” 

“The fuck it ain’t!” 

“Riku, his name is LITERALLY mine but with an X.” 

“Sora, by the gods, you slept. With Roxas. And you’re saying that it’s NOT cheating because he used to live inside of you?” 

“Oh come on! If you slept with Lukka, you’d just be fucking yourself, right?” 

“NO!” both Lukka and Riku exclaimed, looking at each other with undisguised disgust at the thought. Naminé snorted cutely from her perch on Lukka's thigh while Xion looked up groggily. The girl had apparently fallen asleep too but with her head pillowed on the blonde's boobs instead of on a hard thigh.

Lucky gall. 

Boobs were NICE.

“Urgh, I’m sure Kairi won’t actually mind, she’s had sex with Naminé and Xion before, and we were already together! I’m telling you, it’s fiiiiiiiine.” 

“I... all of you, degenerates...” 

Sora threw his hands in the air in frustration and turned to the other people in the room, trying to get support for himself. 

“Come on guys!” 

Xion and Naminé nodded their heads, agreeing with what the brown-haired man had said. Axel seems to ponder over it and eventually gestured that, yeah, that was fair. Xehang and Vanitas kept their mouths shut but raised their glasses (more booze for Vanitas, his liver a thing of wonder, and one of their MULTIPLE 1L jugs of Bannora apple juice (that that Genesis dude had given him for some reason he still didn't quite understand) for Xehang, keen on trying to minimize the truly terrible hangover he was about to have) in agreement, Tenor and Roxas doing the same. Riku groaned, defeated, and let himself fall on the last beanbag, leaving Sora to hunt for a pillow to sit on. Xehang knew very well that all of them were under himself but he kept his mouth shut. 

Just because he'd never hurt his people didn't mean that he couldn't be a petty ass to them. 

He snickered softly when Sora started bitching about having nowhere to sit before dragging one of the uncomfortable kitchen chairs and sitting in on it with a pout. A hand settled in his hair at some point, and another, bigger one, on his calf.

He fell asleep again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter is REAL soft, but get ready for the following ones my dears, I am NOT kidding when I'm calling this degenerate lol

**Author's Note:**

> the drabble that started it all  
> \--“Vanitas records Tik Toks of himself coughing on people because “who gives a shit”? 
> 
> Actually  
> YX films him  
> but also, YX wears a mask and gloves and actually respects the rules  
> YX and Vanitas are like best friends  
> they really are  
> they are absolute DICKS and absolutely NOT ashamed of it  
> oh man, I actually want them to both be "straight" but also a bit too enthusiastic to be challenged at gay chicken and taking it wayyyyy too far every single time 
> 
> \--XD 
> 
> They also tag team anything that looks at them with hate or disgust or attraction, who cares, they go after everything  
> well, if everything is a girl, tho they never talk about Beast's Castle and Twilight Town, ever  
> look, Beast is a beast, and Gaston is Gaston, and both happened  
> now Gaston they have mentioned before to Axel and Demyx when they were high like Olympus  
> I mean, Gaston is Gaston, and that needs no explanation, and just. Of course, it happened, both Axel and Demyx were just 'ah, Gaston, so you guys too huh?' and that was it 
> 
> \--YX: "Fuck that one guy" Vanitas: "Hah, you did. You fucked him, hhaaaaaaaa" 
> 
> Axel: Gaston?  
> Demyx: Guys, he fucked you both, get in line, he fucked everyone.  
> Axel: Gaston is Gaston, get over it. Happens to everyone. Got it memorised?  
> Axel: Now, what was it with Twilight Town you were talking about?  
> V: At this point takes another hit and chugs his beer. So. There's this chick. Fuu, right? Grey hair and red eyes and looks like she wants to rip out your liver?  
> YX: snorting a line yeah so, she's like, really fucking weird, right? But y'know, she's cute 'nough, and hate fucking's usually pretty fun, right?  
> V: drinking more beer yeah, so, she's like, follow me, my friends will be interested  
> YX: fucking bitch  
> V: so we follow her, and she's got those two dudes, Rai and Seifer?  
> YX: Fuck if I know  
> V: so yeah, was not expecting to see two more dicks than usual  
> D: Do you even realize how GAY that sounds for straight guys??  
> V: And she was all like "ohh, you guys should suck them off, that'd be so hot"  
> A: So you let them suck you off?  
> YX: ... sure, yeah, that's what happened elbows Vanitas in the belly  
> V: coughing his lungs up and tearing up from the blow yeah totally  
> Now Beast they actually end up mentioning to one of the girls, probably Larxene? I feel like she'd be very open about fucking Sully and a whole bunch of monsters in Monstropolis and they were playing Never Have I Ever with her and a bunch of no-names and she just went Never have I been fucked by Beast and the guys just drank sighed and drank and she was so fucking shocked she just asked the rating and decided to go test it for herself and as thanks promised to keep her trap shut  
> there was also that one time in Olympus Colosseum when they got into this orgy with the fucking GODS that they don't mind talking about too much but also don't talk about all THAT much but Zack can never shut his fucking mouth so y'know, no use hiding it, and they had followed the No Homo code anyway and there was more than just one girl involved so it was totally Not Gay and no balls touched so Absolutely No Homo (TM)  
> and also, the times with Xemnas don't count because he's basically just YX but with extra steps, and neither does the one time with Xigbar cause like he only jerked them off and came on their faces so y'know, just some Bro Time, and those few times with Ventus and TX also don't count because once again just one of them with extra steps  
> now, there is the one time that they keep secret even more than Beast or Gaston  
> the one time to put all else to shame  
> the one that really can't be explained by Gaston being Gaston or the girl being really good at getting guys to do gay shit or even the Beast just overpowering them when he was in mating season  
> the one time that they refuse to even mention between the two of them  
> LOOK THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHEN THEY TRIED TO GET BELLE OKAY? THEY REALLY JUST WANTED TO FIND HER AND TAKE HER OUT OF THE CASTLE CAUSE THEY'RE BROS AND THEY KNOW SHE WANTS TO DO SHIT SOMETIMES BUT SHE WASN'T THERE AND POWER HORNY BEAST WAS SO THEY  
> yeah I just decided that the princesses of heart are bros with them  
> look, those girls are clearly wild at parties and they really fucking need to get laid and the guys are absolute dicks but they know a girl in need when they see one  
> repressed bitches are the wildest bitches lmao  
> can you imagine all fo the illegal shit that Alice can get them?  
> and also the princesses are probably the only girls they haven't tried to fuck since they're Bros  
> and then I started writing this shit so enjoy this collection of drabbles in this AU lol


End file.
